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July 07 2017

Pedophiles and Ephebophiles do not always look like some creepy, balding, white man wearing bifocals and watching babies at the park

goddessolga:

kathereal:

I’ve found that they tend to look like relatives
That fine ass boy who keeps telling you how “mature and pretty” you are for a high school freshman even though he’s a sophomore in college
That nice old man at the corner store who gives you extra snacks when you visit
Mentors
Pastors
Coaches
Celebrities
And sometimes people you thought were friends

What you have to realize about pedophiles 

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afrodeitys:

afrodeitys:

afrodeitys:

donate to peppermint: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/help-us-finish-project-peppermint-lgbt

hi there’s three days left and she needs $7,000+ more in order to 100% reach her goal. donate to peppermint.

there’s now two days left, she’s at $33,924 out of $38,000 or 89% of her goal. donate to peppermint.

higherthanheroes:

thedesignateddriver:

radioactivegirlscout:

cresentmoon2000:

katiaobinger:

the true american experience is wondering if you just heard firecrackers or gunshots

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE

Bonus points: one is illegal in your state and it is not the gun

no

Challenge mode: it’s the 4th of July

Every year! There were fires on my road from fireworks too this year.

undergroundghosts:

Had a dream where I was sitting in a dark office and reality felt really altered and strange and there was just a fishtank illuminating the room and then this fuckin fish looked at me and grinned with human teeth and in this super deep voice said “you’ve been here awhile, better wake up before you forget how to” and I fuckin woke up in a cold sweat

Sweet Jesus

undergroundghosts:

Had a dream where I was sitting in a dark office and reality felt really altered and strange and there was just a fishtank illuminating the room and then this fuckin fish looked at me and grinned with human teeth and in this super deep voice said “you’ve been here awhile, better wake up before you forget how to” and I fuckin woke up in a cold sweat

Sweet Jesus

undergroundghosts:

Had a dream where I was sitting in a dark office and reality felt really altered and strange and there was just a fishtank illuminating the room and then this fuckin fish looked at me and grinned with human teeth and in this super deep voice said “you’ve been here awhile, better wake up before you forget how to” and I fuckin woke up in a cold sweat

Sweet Jesus

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iwannabeadored:

I fucking knew this was about On the Road three screen caps in

July 06 2017

Please Help

birchsoda:

birchsoda:

Hi! I need money for life right now, Won’t get paid for 2 weeks. If anyone can help, my paypal is jmchan06@gmail.com.

I’m negative 300 dollars please I’ve got two kids to feed.

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saturnineaqua:

mytwistedexperience:

odinsblog:

LMAO these are deadass accurate. And his follow up thread (here) is even better

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

is that Heather Matarazzo??????

sweet-permanent-dreams:

brohecking:

full offence but if your son lays awake at night wishing he was dead because you insist that he’s your daughter you have failed as a parent

Same goes if your daughter lays awake at night wishing she was dead because you insist she’s your son.

Thank you.

nudiemuse:

HI folks.

Y’all.

Your support from my please help post really floored me. With your support this is what is happening right now:

  • I ordered almost 110$ (AFTER COUPONS Y’ALL) worth of groceries for the house. I got a lot of staple items, huge jars of peanut butter etc. They will arrive tonight.
  • I got a new pair of shoes that won’t hurt my feet.
  • I bought about a week and a half worth of work food…

View On WordPress

Please Help

birchsoda:

birchsoda:

Hi! I need money for life right now, Won’t get paid for 2 weeks. If anyone can help, my paypal is jmchan06@gmail.com.

I’m negative 300 dollars please I’ve got two kids to feed.

molded-from-clay:

awa64:

siphersaysstuff:

unpretty:

unpretty:

some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort

  • Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
  • Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
  • I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
  • Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
  • This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
  • One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
  • An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
  • I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
  • When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
  • I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.
  • I find that a duck’s opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.
  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  • I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
  • Rice is really great if you’re hungry and wanna eat two thousand of something.
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a-taller-tale:

arirashkae:

blackness-by-your-side:

oh no, the gov’t tries to ruin lives of our younger generation AGAIN.

source The rule supposedly gies into effect in 2020

“Under a new plan to prepare them for life after high school, Chicago Public Schools students would have to show an acceptance letter to a university, community college, apprenticeship, trade school, internship, or the armed services.

So more poor kids will join the military to ensure they get a high school diploma or they’ll be held back. *dystopia instensifies*

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Please Help

birchsoda:

Hi! I need money for life right now, Won’t get paid for 2 weeks. If anyone can help, my paypal is jmchan06@gmail.com.

I’m negative 300 dollars please I’ve got two kids to feed.

marcitlali:

astrolocherry:

the fact that trump thinks he is managing the world by angering north korea, confusing china, and being all weird and gay with russia scares the living shit out of me 

sgaiwjwkLhakshzksjsjs STOP

lizawithazed:

sodomymcscurvylegs:

Story Time: in 2012, when I still lived in Florida, I used to work for a credit union, and I had the absolute worst manager and assistant manager. They were sloppy, lazy, and offloaded their work onto other people. No biggie; I’m grown and I can handle my job and not stress because I’m damned good at it. Problem: the manager and assistant manager, who happened to be best friends in real life, also happen to be very, very conservative older women. I’m talking like, hardcore conservative Christians, the kind who are not very good people and are very unlike Christ. I don’t make it a point to tell people I work with my business because when you work, you’re busy and you don’t want to burden other people, right? At least, I don’t. Subject of my love life comes up after a while of me staying in my lane, and I’m also not a liar, so I casually mention that I happen to be gay and I’m dating someone at the time.

The change in my managers was almost immediate. From that point on they tried their utmost to make my life miserable, but I wasn’t going to break. Fast forward about a month after this mess and one of the tellers, Tanika, and I have become really good friends, and she pulls me aside one Monday morning to tell me that she overheard the manager and assistant manager talking about firing me, and she didn’t want to get too involved, but she didn’t think it was fair so she wnated to give me a headsup. Here’s the best part: these asshats are SO lazy that they literally say - or so Tanika tells me- that they’ll wait for the end of the week to do it, because otherwise they would have no one to cover my Wednesday shift, and they’d have to sit on the teller line, and no siree Bob, they’re too good for that! Too important! Too. Fucking. Lazy.

Immediately I type up a two week notice at my station, print that shit out, and take it to that sloppy ass manager in her sloppy ass office. They have no receipts on me, but these people will find anything and use it to get rid of you if they can, and I’m not having a forcible termination on my record and dealing with how that will look to future employers. Keep in mind that I’m not supposed to know that they’re planning on firing me, and I’ve done my homework on company policy about two week notices (they had just changed it in January, and it was February). I give her the paper, sit in front of her, tell her some cock and bull story about needing more time for school. She looks upset, tells me to leave the letter, and go back to my station. I pull out a second copy of the letter and say: “Sure! But, first, I need your signature on this one, which is my copy of the two week notice.” Her face was a Goddamned mask at this point, but I could tell she was burning up inside. She’s trapped; she has to either sign it and pretend everything is fine, or she refuses and I go in on her for her “suspicious behavior” and call her higher ups. She signs my copy. I go back and finish my day.

Day ends and the assistant manager comes to me and tells me they have spoken to the president of the credit union and they have decided to terminate me anyway. Tells me I need to turn in my drawer and vault keys immediately and leave the premises. I refuse; “I’m not leaving until we count my drawer down together, I have a printed and signed copy of my balance, and you have signed paperwork confirming that I have given you all keys back.” She has no choice. I walk out with all necessary paperwork, get home, and immediately email the credit union president telling him what happened and how I think it’s utterly unprofessional for an employer to behave this way. He calls me the next day to my personal phone, and tells me the manager and assistant manager both told him I had quit on the spot and walked out without so much as a goodbye. I tell him I have a signed two week notice from the manager, because this sloppy ho can’t even keep own story together for five minutes. He tells me to photocopy it and email it to him. I do. Tells me he is going to have a discussion with the manager and call me back ASAP. Calls me back, apologizes profusely, and tells me that I shouldn’t have been treated as such, so he offers to pay me for the two weeks I had give notice for, ON TOP of an extra two weeks of compensation, and I didn’t even have to show up to the branch anymore. He was paying me a full month for no work to make up for the situation.

First paycheck comes in, and I put on my best outfit. Pick out the hottest shit in my closet that says: “I look incredible” but also “I have free time and you don’t” and “enjoy working here while I get paid while napping at the beach,” and I walk my happy little ass into that bank to pick up my paycheck like:

image

Happily greet the manager and assistant manager, who are both there like:

image

Say hello to my friend Tanika, who is at the teller line like:

image

Enjoying the fuck out of this show, right? Like, she can’t say it out loud, but she’s fucking living for this goddamned circus and it’s written all over her face!

I talk to her and loudly tell her how amazing it feels to have four weeks off with pay, and how polite and nice the bank president is. 

Then I walk my happy little ass out of the bank like:

image


But not before saying bye to the manager and assistant manager and reminding them that I’ll be back in two weeks to pick up my next check, “probably right before I head to Key Largo for the weekend.” 

…and that’s the story of how I once absolutely wrecked two people who thought they could use their positions of power to come for me unfairly, and a story I’ll be telling my grandchildren so they know, as grandpa knew on one February morning of 2012, that you take bullshit from absolutely no one.

This is why we read our employee handbooks and never EVER trust anybody in a position of power over us, kids.

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